Curvy Ladies

Do these pants make my butt look big?

Most women are not perfect. And never will be, because most women are not happy with their bodies even if the body in question looks perfectly fine to the rest of humanity.

Notice I said most women. If you’re under twenty and/or totally satisfied with your perky breasts and smooth cellulite-free skin, you’re excused. Go to the beach and enjoy it.

A colleague of mine complained about her weight every chance she got. This Kate Moss clone was obviously fishing, so as a rule I just rolled my eyes and ignored her.

But PMS struck one fateful morning when she once again waved her perfect little butt in my perfectly round face asking, “Do these pants make my butt look big?”

I answered without hesitation, “Yes. Huge. Burn the pants.”

Imagine my surprise when she sank into a chair and said with utmost sincerity, “That’s why I like you, you’re honest.”

She really thought she was fat. She wasn’t, but she believed she was fat.

Feeling guilty, I admitted to sarcasm and feelings of plumpness, inferiority and general bitchiness, ending with, “You’re not fat. Really.”

She laughed. “Shut that mouth, sister. You don’t shower with me. I have eyes and I have a mirror.”

Do romance heroines have eyes? Are there mirrors in Harlequin world? Or are romance heroines so perfect that they don’t worry about their bodies? Are they so comfortable in their own skins that they don’t even flinch when it looks as if the dashing hero wants a taste of her . . . uhm lets just leave it at “her”, shall we?

If that’s the case, I don’t want to read about her.

I do not want a heroine whose boobs/body/booty are like the baby bear’s chair from Goldilocks. Not too big, not too small. Just right.

I always wonder how the Greek billionaire will react once his ex-virgin wife’s appendages succumb to the forces of gravity.

Will the Pirate Lord still want to make passionate love to his little captive on the sandy, golden beaches of a tropical island when she has love handles and stretch marks?

And don’t tell me romances are not supposed to be real life. I realized that the day I found out that, in real life, the bloody sand gets everywhere. Everywhere. And it chafes.

I can forgive the sandy love scenes, barely, but a perfect heroine who never has a niggle of unease about her body? I don’t like her and she doesn’t deserve the hero. Instead of living vicariously through her, I end up trying to ignore her.

Someone, somewhere, and I really wish I can remember who and where, said "If Mr Right can’t handle a few curves, I’m outta there,” and “I want him slobbering for those curves, not in spite of them.”

Not long ago I was in the bath, contemplating the unwanted abundance of flesh on my thighs, belly, everywhere really, when my better half walked in to wash his hands.

Discreetly I pulled up my knees and covered my bulges with crossed arms. “Please knock next time, okay?” He nodded and left.

Two minutes later he was back for a towel. Once again he opened the door without warning. I sternly reminded him to knock. He apologized and left me alone with my ugly, lumpy body.

Seconds passed. The door burst open. Again, nary a knock.

Embarrassed and angry, I threw the loofah at his head. “Why don’t you knock? I’ve asked you a thousand times to knock. What is wrong with you?”

He gave me a sheepish look. “You looked so sexy trying to cover up, I couldn’t help myself.”

That’s what I’m talking about. When I close the book, I want to believe that he’ll still love her no matter what.

If, like me, you like to read about real women and the men who love them “just the way they are,” try Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie. It’s worth at least two guilt-free cheeseburgers and strawberry milkshake.

At the very end, the book turns into a bit of a farce, but by that time the characters will feel like family, so you won’t really care. For the record, I mean a farce: a comedy characterized by broad satire and improbable situations, not the mixture of ground raw chicken and mushrooms with pistachios and truffles and onions and parsley and lots of butter and bound with eggs.

For more curvy reads, here’s a (somewhat edited) list I found at an Amazon forum.

Caveat: The list is voetstoots. Means I haven’t read all of these novels. Some may contain 0g of fat or the heroine may actually be on a diet.

Sweet Nothings – Catherine Anderson
Take Me – Bella Andre

Nobody's Perfect – Pat Ballard
Some Girls Do – Leanne Banks
Gabriel Hawk`s Lady - Beverly Barton
Cameron - Beverly Barton (Silhouette Desire)
Fat Chance - Deborah Blumenthal
Get Lucky – Suzanne Brockmann
Into the Night – Suzanne Brockmann
The Billionaire Boss's Secretary Bride – Helen Brooks
More to Love - Dixie Browning (Silhouette Desire)

Coming Home to Texas - Victoria Chancellor
Agnes and the Hitman – Jennifer Crusie

A Whole Lotta Love - Justine Davis (Silhouette Desire)
Wishes - Jude Deveraux
He Loves Lucy - Susan Donovan

Accidental Bride by Jane Feather
The Bridesmaid’s Reward – Liz Fielding
Too Much Temptation - Lori Foster
Treat Her Right - Lori Foster
Heartbreakers - Lori Foster
Fallen Angels - Lori Foster
Jude's Law by - Lori Foster

The Spanish Aristocrat's Woman - Katherine Garbera
The Australian Millionaire's Love Child – Robyn Grady
Tall Tales And Wedding Veils - Jane Graves
Jemima J - Jane Green
Wicked Ways of a Duke - Laura Lee Guhrke

An Affair to Remember – Karen Hawkins
Loving Evangeline - Linda Howard

Pleasure for Pleasure – Eloisa James
Masquerade - Brenda Joyce

Night Play - Sherrilyn Kenyon
Fetish - Sherri L. King (Paranormal Erotic Romance)
Seize the Fire - Laura Kinsale
Suddenly You - Lisa Kleypas

Daring in the Dark - Jennifer LaBrecque (Harlequin Blaze)
Hidden Agendas - Lora Leigh
Big Girls Don't Cry - Cathie Linz
Wanting What You Get – Kathy Love
She’s On Top - Susan Lyons

The Corset Diaries - Katie MacAllister
The Bride and the Beast - Teresa Medeiros
You Don't Know Jack - Erin McCarthy
Houston, We Have a Problem - Erin McCarthy
At Your Command - Julie Miller (Harlequin Blaze)
The Real Deal – Lucy Monroe
Learning Curves – Cindi Myers

Too Perfect – Julie Ortolon

The Perfect Wife - Lynsay Sands
My Lady's Tutor - Robin Schone
Perfect Strangers - Rebecca Sinclair
Sweet Memories – LaVyrle Spencer
Real Women Aren't a Size 2 - Kelley St. John
The Last Bride in Texas - Judith Stacy

Miss Invisible - Laura Jensen Walker
At The Greek Tycoon's Bidding - Cathy Williams
Taken by her Greek boss - Cathy Williams
Beautiful Stranger - Ruth Wind

No Regrets - Michele Ann Young

Not enough? Try this and this and this, and for an interesting discussion on curvy heroines go here.